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Garden Gnomes
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When you walk through the garden
You gotta watch your back
- Tom Waits
Way Down In the Hole
“Beware... beware....”
-Susan Cooper
The Dark is Rising
Suddenly you notice a strange little figure
with a bright red hat and a bushy beard
staring out at you through the bushes.
What is it!?
- www.justsaygnome.net/general-gnome-and-garden-gnome-information
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Louis squatted behind the curtain of heart shaped leaves and sighed in relief. The berries he had eaten for breakfast that morning were apparently both a diuretic and a laxative. He would have to remember this fact so he could avoid them or eat them again, depending on his future need. Distracted by his urgent physical needs, and under the assumption he was alone, Louis never heard his assailants’ stealthy approach. One moment he was standing up, reaching for a nearby leaf to wipe his ass, the next he heard a furious buzzing, and then he saw stars and darkness despite it being midday.
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He awoke with a start. Sixteen eyes stared down at him. Eight crescent moon grins appeared above him simultaneously. Louis regained enough of his sense to not move. He could feel the taut bindings on his wrists and ankles. Beyond that, he could sense he was not in any immediate danger, as long as he remained calm and still. The men, for that is what they appeared to be, began to speak rapidly to each other in a tongue unfamiliar to Louis.
He used this time to assess his captors. The tallest seemed a giant in comparison to the others, he towered head and shoulders above his compatriots, and yet Louis guessed the man was no more than five foot tall, and most likely not even that. Their skin was uniformly a dark, ruddy brown. Likewise, all their hair was coal-black, but the texture varied greatly: long and straight to short and kinky. Two of his captors wore loose-fitting woven tunics and crowning every head was a high, conical, red cap. Other than this they wore very little: tasseled armbands, belts from which hung bola and leather pouches, and koteka – gourds to cover their genitalia. He found the latter especially humorous since the effect exaggerated and drew attention to these body parts instead of concealing them.
Louis also found the wagging gourds unsettling, since the tip of one occasionally dipped close to his lips. One of the older tunic-garbed “gnomes” (as he had mentally labeled the short-statured men) suddenly laughed out loud and punched the other gnome in the shoulder. The tunic garbed gnome barked at the one who had been intentionally teasing Louis with the gourd penis-sheath. Chuckling, the prankster bent over, picked up a pair of flattened sticks, and then loped off through the underbrush.
The remaining men began to bustle about. Two of them grabbed long staves almost twice their height, and positioned themselves at Louis’ head and feet, while the others disappeared outside his field of vision. As the two staves were laid on either side of him, Louis realized that he was to be carried like trussed game. A third gnome reappeared and knelt next to the Louis’ head. The gnome clucked as if soothing an infant and pantomimed eating before holding a small ball of pasty foodstuff to Louis’ mouth. Not seeing much of a choice, he opened his mouth and took the proffered ball of paste. It tasted bitter, and he suspected he was being drugged. He pretended to swallow the paste-ball, hiding it under his tongue. Within a few minutes he began to feel drowsy despite his precautionary measure, and, for the second time in one afternoon, he slipped into unconsciousness.
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Louis awoke, again. It was pitch dark. He was lying on a bed of grass with his wrists and ankles still bound. Someone was moving around him, murmuring softly in a strangely familiar language, yet one Louis had never heard before. He could tell the voice belonged to a female, by the pitch and timbre. She wasn’t singing, but the rhythm of her speaking was hypnotically comforting and reassuring. Echoes reverberated back to him. I’m in a cave. Louis fell back into unconsciousness, resting peacefully.
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